Torn, Chapters 14-15 & Conclusion: The Way Forward

Today we wrap up our discussion around Justin Lee’s fantastic book, Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs-Christians Debate.

This has been a perfect starting point for our yearlong series on Sexuality and the Church, which for the first quarter will focus specifically on homosexuality.

Next week we will begin a shorter, 2-3 week discussion around Wesley Hill’s Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality.  Like Justin, Wesley is gay, but whereas Justin concluded that a relationship with another man could be blessed by God, Wesley has chosen celibacy. I picked these two books because I think Justin and Wesley represent the very best in civil, gracious, and loving disagreement on this issue…which for them is not a mere issue, but a deeply personal journey with deeply personal implications.

Now on to Torn, Chapters 14-15….

Chapter 14: Lightening Rod

As Justin came to terms with his sexuality and what it meant for his future, he began advocating on behalf of gay Christians through his Web site. In Chapter 14, he describes how his honesty gave other gay Christians the freedom to tell their stories. One night he received an email that simply said, “I was going to kill myself tonight. I told God He had one more chance to give me a reason not to. Somehow I found your web site….You will never meet me, but tonight you saved my life.”

Not long after, he and a friend launched the Gay Christian Network.

Justin also tells the story of how, after sharing his story on a closed-circuit TV station at his college, a viewer tracked down his mother, called her in the middle of the night, and demanded “Did you know your son is a homosexual?” 

 “As the anonymous caller proceeded to disparage me, telling her how disgusted he was that I would call myself gay while claiming to be a Christian, she stuck up for me, telling him that he didn’t know what he was talking about, and that she was proud of me for being honest,” writes Justin. “Whatever disagreements she and I had, in this moment, she was my mother. And that was all that mattered.” (216)

The Gay Christian Network continued to grow and flourish, and became incorporated as a non-profit organization in 2004.

Writes Justin, “Before I even built the GCN website, I knew I had to make a critical decision about how this new group would handle differing opinions. I had once believed that gay relationships were sinful and that I would have to be celibate in order to serve God. I no longer believed that, but I had gay friends who still did. How was GCN going to respond to people like them?” (p. 221)

Justin took a page from another group, Bridges Across the Divide, which identified two very general categories for engaging this aspect of the conversation:

Side A: There are people from many backgrounds who for religious or other reasons believe that homosexual relationships have the same value as heterosexual relationships.

Side B: And there are those of many faiths who disagree, believing that only a male/female relationship in marriage is the Creator’s intent for our sexuality.

“In essence,” says Justin, “Side A holds that gay sex (like straight sex) is morally acceptable in the right circumstances. Side B holds that gay sex is inherently morally wrong.” (p. 222)

“Each of these groups might have many subgroups,” Justin acknowledges, and are just “broad terms…but they gave the group a way to talk about the issues.”

So Justin made the somewhat unconventional decision to include both Side A and Side B Christians in the Gay Christian Network. “I wanted all my gay Christian friends—celibate or not—to feel welcome, safe, and respected in this new space. I wanted to model for the church and the world that it is possible to live in loving, Christian community in the midst of significant theological disagreements. We developed some basic rules: Both ‘Side A’ and ‘Side B’ people would be welcome at GCN, and within this space, both sides would agree not to try to convert or talk down to one another. GCN was to be a neutral zone, a place for people to put the culture war aside and know they are among friends.” (p.223)

Of course, this decision resulted in “regular hate mail from people on both sides,” but as the group continued to grow, it became “a safe haven for many thousands of LGBT Christians and a leader in the movement to educate Christians about LGBT issues.”

I can attest to that truth, and am profoundly grateful for Justin and his colleagues’ work at the Gay Christian Network. I pray for them regularly, and heartily recommend their resources for all who are interested in learning more.  

Chapter 15: The Way Forward

“Nearly every day, I hear a story about someone whose life has been torn apart by this culture war,” writes Justin, “and far too often, the Christians in their lives either left them to fend for themselves or took an active role in making their lives worse.”

In this chapter, Justin identifies seven things the Church must focus on if we want to create a better world for the next generation and move beyond the culture war mentality that is literally costing some gay Christians their lives:

1.  Christians must show more grace, especially in the midst of disagreement.

Justin tackles a lot in this section, but I want to direct our attention to his thoughts on the “love the sinner hate the sin” line that we hear so often from Christians regarding homosexuality. Justin explains how condescending and dehumanizing that expression sounds to the gay folks to whom it is often directed, “as if I’m now ‘the sinner’ rather than the person’s friend or neighbor, and ‘loving’ me has become the new project they’ve taken on out of obligation to God rather than a genuine interest in my well-being….When someone says they’re ‘loving the sinner,’ it sounds as  though the person being referred to is a ‘sinner’ in some sense that the speaker is not." Justin quotes Tony Campolo who said this:

“I always am uptight when somebody says…’I love the sinner, but I hate his sin.’ I’m sure you’ve heard that line over and over again. And my responses I, ‘That’s interesting. Because that’s just the opposite of what Jesus says. Jesus never says, ‘Love the sinner, but hat his sin.’ Jesus says, ‘Love the sinner, and hate your own sin. And after you get rid of the sin in your own life, then you can begin talking about the sin in your brother or sister’s life.’”

I think that’s a pretty great response. Justin also notes that “Jesus saved his lecturing and anger exclusively for the self-righteous and those who put barriers in the way of other trying to come to God”—the Pharisees and the moneychangers.

2.  We must educate Christians.

Justin is obviously passionate about confronting some of the misinformation floating around the Christian community regarding homosexuality—like, for example, that it is caused by bad parenting. He encourages Christians and churches to educate themselves and their congregations so that some of these harmful myths can be addressed. (Be sure to check out the Gay Christian Network for more ideas on how to do this well.)

3. We must move away from an ex-gay approach.

“Too many churches have relied in part on ex-gay ministries to be the ‘solution’ to the gay ‘problem,’” writes Justin. “In these churches, if a person comes out or admits to struggling with their sexual identity, they’re usually pointed to an ex-gay or ‘sexual brokenness’ ministry for healing. As we’ve already seen, this simply doesn’t work. I could share hundreds and hundreds of stories of people who poured their hearts into ex-gay programs, prayer, and other types of therapy, only to discover that neither they nor the others in their programs ever became straight.” (p. 234)

The “ex-gay” approach was the topic of our second discussion around Torn, and as I said there, I think this may be the most difficult reality for the Church, and evangelicals in particular, to accept—that we have to move beyond the default setting of trying to change people’s sexual orientation upon learning they are gay. I’m not saying it’s not possible for sexuality to shift (studies suggest that women’s sexuality may be a bit more fluid, for example, and as we’ve discussed in the past, sexuality exists on something of a continuum). But to assume and teach that an orientation change is normal, and to be expected with enough prayer and counseling, is misleading and dangerous. Like Justin, I have observed the devastating effects of this approach on families and individuals far too often not to speak out about it. We don't need to wait for more broken families or suicides or self-harm to prove that this approach doesn't work enough to advocate it as the default response. It's just not worth it. 

4.  Celibacy must be a viable option.

“In previous chapters,” Justin writes, “I explained how my own biblical study led me to the conclusion that God does not requires gay people to be celibate. I still believe that, and a growing number of other Christians are coming to the same conclusion. However…I think it’s important for all Christians—including those who disagree with me—to have the support and understanding of their brothers and sisters. Celibacy is an extremely difficult path. It can be lonely and disheartening. Gay Christians who believe this is God’s call for them need tremendous support from their church families.” (p. 238)

Justin points out that the church can be a tough environment for singles as it is, and so we have to work harder at creating an environment that is supportive of both heterosexual and homosexual singles. We’ll get more into this topic as we discuss Wesley Hill’s Washed and Waiting, beginning next week.

5. We must shatter the myth that the Bible is anti-gay.

“As long as people believe the Bible is anti-gay, they will continue to believe the church is anti-gay as well,” writes Justin, “and the war between gays and Christians will continue. So far, neither side has done a very good job of challenging the notion that the Bible is antigay, leaving many people to believe they must choose either to follow the Bible or to love their gay friends.”  (p. 241)

Justin says that, too often, outspoken Christians on the traditional side give the impression that the Bible supports hostility toward LGBT people, while pro-gay advocates reinforce this assumption by arguing that the only way to treat LGBT people with respect is to throw out the Bible altogether.

“We may disagree on whether the Bible can be reconciled with same-sex marriage,” he says, “ but we should be able to agree that the Bible is not homophobic and does not justify the unkind attitudes some Christians have become known for.” (p. 243)

6. Openly gay Christians must find their place throughout the church.

“In a culture that sees gays and Christians as enemies, gay Christians are in a unique position to bring peace and change minds, writes Justin “….I think God wants to use gay Christians—along with bi Christians, and trans Christians, and others in similar situations—to help the church become what she’s supposed to be. That means that we who are gay and Christian must accept the calling and take our place in the church, working in the various ways we’re led to make the world and the church a better place. It also means that straight Christians must work to ensure that gay Christians are welcomed and supported at all levels of the church, and that their unique experiences and insights are honored.” (p. 245)

Justin acknowledges that this will likely create tension between Side A and Side B Christians, but points to Romans 14 as a guide. In that passage, the apostle Paul addresses the hotly-contested issue of eating food that had been sacrificed to idols and encourages Christians to refrain from judgment while also being careful not to make one another stumble.

The whole passage is worth reading again if you haven’t been by it in a while. Paul concludes: “Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister…So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.”

“When everyone was in agreement,” Justin notes, “Paul encouraged the church to take action. But when there was serious disagreement within the Body of Christ, Paul encouraged people to follow their consciences and allow other believers to do likewise. I believe the situation we’re facing today is the latter type.” (248)

I’m really interested in fleshing this idea out a bit more. And I confess I am a bit skeptical. I like the idea of not passing judgment while also not placing stumbling blocks in the way of fellow Christians who may take a more conservative stance. But at the same time, I worry that keeping one’s position between oneself and God, particularly in a situation like this, might perpetuate injustice. I don’t know. What do you all think?

7.  We must learn how to effectively dialog.

“For parents, this means listening to your kids,” Justin writes. “….For gay people, this means being patient with your Christian friends and family members….For pastors and churches, this means encouraging loving, open-minded dialogue not only within  your congregation, but with other congregations as well…For all of us, productive dialog means reaching out to people whose views and experiences are different from our own and having the patience to really listen to them with a goal of better understanding them and their worldviews.” (p. 248-251).

I hope that last point was accomplished in some small way in our dialog around Justin’s book. Your comments—from LGBT readers and straight readers, from Side A Christians to Side B Christians, to celibate gay friends to partnered gay friends— have been enlightening, humbling, challenging, insightful, and civil. I’ve learned a lot from discussions, especially from listening, and I hope you have too.

Some questions for discussion:

2.     What do you think of Justin’s seven points for moving forward? Are there one or two that especially resonate? One or two with which you struggle?

3.     Do you think Christians can take a Romans 14 approach to homosexuality by withholding judgment from gay Christians who are Side A while simultaneously encouraging Side B Christians by not placing stumbling blocks in their path?

And finally, if you haven’t already:

1.     Check out the Gay Christian Network.

2.     Read Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs-Christians Debate by Justin Lee.

3.     Consider ordering a copy of the fantastic documentary, Through My Eyes, to learn more about what it’s like to be a gay Christian. (See the trailer below.)

4.     Thank Justin for bravely sharing his story. I suspect this guy gets more hate mail than I do, and that’s really saying something. You can leave a thank-you in the comment section or by leaving a review on Amazon if you’ve read Torn.

Again, thanks for the great discussion! We’ll pick it up again next week with Wesley Hill’s Washed and Waiting.

Torn, Chapters 12-13: Back to the Bible

Today we continue our discussion of Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate. This has been one of our most popular book discussions, so I’m sad to say we’ll be wrapping it up on Monday with a final installment. But never fear! After that, it’s on to a shorter, 2-3 week discussion of Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill.

I apologize for the irregular posting pattern. (We usually have these discussions on Monday, but my travel load makes it hard to stick with a schedule.) But today’s chapters are just too important to rush through, as they focus on Justin’s wrestling with biblical texts that relate to homosexuality.

Chapter 12: “Back to the Bible”

“From the moment I knew I was gay,” writes Justin, “one question had hung over me like a storm cloud: How did God want me to live?” (p. 168)

Justin said he combed through multiple books and commentaries, struggling to discern what, if anything, the Bible said about people like him—people who did no wish or plan to be gay, people who couldn’t change their same-sex attraction through prayer or counseling, people who wanted to faithfully follow Jesus no matter what.  So Justin went on a quest: to reexamine the biblical passages that relate to homosexuality to see what they might teach him about how God wanted him to live.

For many who have already studied the subject, Justin’s thoughts on the various biblical passages related to homosexuality will perhaps be something of a repeat. The primary focus and function of Justin’s book is his personal journey, not detailed biblical exegesis, so his analysis here is brief but dense. Rest assured, we will be discussing these passages in more depth in the future; but for now, Chapter 12 of Torn serves as a perfect introduction.

The Sodom Story...

A common point of reference for those who say the Bible condemns all forms of homosexuality is the Sodom story found in Genesis 19. The assumption among many is that God destroyed the city because it was full of gay people.

Justin points out that it’s not that clear.

[To brush up on the story, read Genesis 19.]

First of all, the Bible reports that “every man in the entire city” surrounded the house and threatened the angels with gang rape, and it is unlikely that every man in the city was gay.  Second, the story of Genesis 19 is eerily similar to a story found in Judges 19 about a male traveler who is threatened with gang rape by an entire city and who throws his concubine to the crowd. (I wrote about that troubling story in A Year of Biblical Womanhood.) Both stories appear to serve as commentaries on the ancient Near Eastern concept of hospitality. Justin points out that “rape had been used at times a s a symbol of domination, with armies raping the (male) leader of a conquered enemy…Clearly, in some cultures and contexts—whether in ancient times or in modern-day prisons—male-male rape had been used or threatened as a method of violent humiliation and domination.”  Thirdly, in Ezekiel 16:49-50, God identifies the sins of Sodom through the prophet Ezekial and says, “now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me.” No specific mention of homosexuality.

 “Clues like these,” writes Justin, “combined with the Gibeah story, made it seem likely to me that this was a story about a violent threat, not a story about a gay city. It certainly wasn’t a story about consensual relationships.” (p. 172)

Leviticus 18...

Justin then moves to Leviticus 18:22, which says, “Don’t lie with a man as with a woman.” As others have noted, Leviticus 18-20 also condemns shaving, wearing mixed fabrics, getting tattoos, sowing different crops in the same field, and sexual activity during a woman’s period (back to A Year of Biblical Womanhood!) so “clearly, just because something was condemned for the Israelites in Moses’ day didn’t mean it was likewise condemned for Christians today.” Justin cites scholars who believe this instruction likely had something to do with cult prostitution, especially given the fact that the rest of the passage is about keeping the Israelites separate from polytheistic cultures.

Justin notes that even Robert Gagnon, one of the foremost Bible scholars to argue for the traditional view (that gay sex is always a sin) agrees. In The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Texts and Hermeneutics, Gagnon writes:

I do not doubt that the circles out of which Leviticus 18:22 was produced had in view homosexual cult prostitution, at least partly. Homosexual cult prostitution appears to have been the primary form in which homosexual intercourse was practiced in Israel.

In spite of this evidence, Justin continued to wrestle with the text: “If gay sex was being condemned for its connection to idolatry and cult prostitution, that would explain the harsh punishment and the description of it as ‘abomination,’ and it wouldn’t apply to modern-day relationships at all. But if gay sex was being condemned because gay sex is inherently sinful in all situations, then that condemnation would still apply today, even in a committed relationship….I wasn’t going to solve this by looking at Leviticus in isolation. I had to consider it in light of the New Testament.” (p. 178)

Romans 1...

Before we discuss Romans 1:18-32, I highly recommend reading it again in its full context or else our conversation here won’t make much sense.

Justin acknowledges that “this passages was one of the few passages in the New Testament to mention homosexuality, and it did so in a very negative light.” It described people who had turned from God, refusing to give God honor or thanks, choosing instead to worship idols. “God had responded by giving them over to sexual immorality, resulting in their abandoning ‘natural’ (heterosexual?) sex in favor of committing ‘shameless’ acts with each other. At the end of the passage, Paul listed some of the many sins these people were involved in,” which include gossip, slander, envy, hate, disobedience to parents, etc. (p. 179)

Once again, the context of this passage is paganism and idol worship.  In his research, Justin found that “in Paul’s day, as in the time of Leviticus, some idol-worshiping cults included sex (in some bizarre ways) as part of their worship rituals. Cult temple prostitution, castration, and same-sex sex rites in honor of popular goddesses were well-known practices at the time.” (p. 182) These sort of practices, Justin notes, bear little resemblance to the committed same-sex relationships being discussed and debated in the Church today.

Justin notes that Paul’s rhetorical strategy here is to begin by talking about wicked people who had turned from God and gotten caught up in all kinds of sins, only to turn the argument on his readers by declaring, “Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same thing” ( Romans 2:1).

Justin concludes that “Paul’s entire point in this passage was to show his audience that all of us are sinners in need of a Savior. The idolaters who engaged in shameful sex rites were a perfect illustration for the seriousness of turning from God, a way to get his audience agreeing with him before he unexpectedly turned the tables on them.” (p. 183)

The struggle continued: “If this was about sex rites during idol worship,” Justin writes, “that didn’t seem to have anything to do with committed gay relationships. Even so, Paul’s view toward the same-sex aspect of those rites didn’t seem very positive at all, and he did call the sex acts (as the NIV put it) ‘shameful’ and ‘unnatural.’ Perhaps he would have condemned the gay sex even if it weren’t in the context of idolatry…Then again, Paul also calls it ‘shameful’ and ‘unnatural’—using the same Greek words—for a man to have long hair (1 Corinthians 11:14). Most Christians today understand that passage as referring to the cultural standards of that passage as referring to the cultural standards of the time, and it has far fewer cultural references that the Roman passage does. I could argue this either way, but the bottom line was that this passage didn’t give me much guidance about how to live as a gay Christian.”

I Corinthians 6...

The final passage to address some form of homosexuality is 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Again, I recommend reading this passage in its entirety before continuing.

In the passage, “homosexual offenders” are listed along with idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, slanderers, and swindlers as those who will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Justin notes that “searches through several reference books taught me that ‘homosexual offenders’ was a translation of the Greek word arsenokoitai,” a word whose meaning is hotly debated among scholars. “Normally, scholars researching the meaning of a word in a particular passage look to other uses of the same word in other writings from that era. In this case, there are no other writings that use this word in Paul’s day or before Paul.” Some scholars believe the passage refers to the Leviticus passage mentioned before. Others believe the word arsenokoitai refers to adult males who had sex with young boys—a common practice in Greek culture. Still others believe it must refer to any gay sex whatsoever.

Justin describes his frustration:

“And so, it seemed, the entire Bible argument came down to this one word. The Leviticus and Romans passages had a clear context of idolatry, not committed relationships. If 1 Corinthians 6:9 was condemning the same things, or something else like pederasty, then the Bible didn’t address committed gay relationships at all, If arsenokoitai, however, was really a reference to all gay sex in every time and place, then it shed light on the other passages as well, and any other interpretation was just looking for loopholes. I realized with frustration that neither answer was entirely satisfactory. I could make a convincing argument for either side, but whatever argument I made, how did I know I was right? If I got this wrong, I’d end up either trying to justify sin or unjustly condemning loving relationships that God never intended to condemn…I built both of these arguments in my mind, arguing them back and forth with each other like Bobby Fischer playing both sides of a chess board. Whichever way I argued, I always seemed to end up in a stalemate. (p. 187)

What I love most about Justin’s book is how relatable it is. And his frustration with the lack of clarity from the biblical texts is perhaps the most relatable part of his journey to me. But for Justin, the implications of this confusion were far more personal and far more pressing.

Chapter 13: “Whatever Commandment There May Be”

In my opinion, this chapter is worth the price of the book. In it, Justin makes the case for a hermeneutic of love as well as anyone I’ve read, and his Christocentric approach to Scripture is one that can benefit all Christians, regardless of how they interpret the passages discussed above and regardless of where they stand on same-sex relationships. So please, even if you disagree with Justin’s opinion on gay marriage, read this chapter for yourself! It will help you work through some of those tricky passages of Scripture related to, for example, slavery and women. 

Justin begins by acknowledging that “virtually all Christians recognize that there are passages in the Bible that can’t be fairly applied with only a superficial reading. We need context and interpretation, and sometimes that means we need historical insight or other kinds of analysis that comes only from a lot of study.” He points to passages like Titus 2:9 (“teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything”), 1 Corinthians 14:34 (“women should remain silent in the churches; they should not speak…”), and 1 Corinthians 11:6 (“if a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved, she should cover her head”).  

So how do we know which passages are limited by their cultures and which ones still apply today?

To answer that question, Justin argues that we have to have “a clear, consistent biblical standard for interpreting the text, a principle we can apply to various passages that will help us to determine, fairly and consistently, how to translate them for our culture…Such a standard would need to be able to differentiate God’s eternal laws—such as those dealing with murder, theft, and adultery—from the cultural biblical rules Christians are no longer obligated to follow—such as those dealing with dietary restrictions and head coverings.” (p. 195)

In search of such a standard, Justin finds Romans 13:8-10, in which the apostle Paul writes this: “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law” (emphasis mine).

Wow. Love is the fulfillment of the law.

This is in perfect keeping with Jesus’ response to the Bible expert who asked him about the greatest commandment. Jesus said, “’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” (See Matthew 22:34-40). 

Justin asks, “Was Paul [and Jesus] really saying that whatever commandment there may be—every commandment from God, including but not limited to the Big Ten—can be summed up in the rule to love one another? That sounded a little to ‘hippie liberal’ for me. By that logic, couldn’t someone use ‘love’ as an excuse to justify, for instance, cheating on their spouse with someone more attractive?”

But then Justin learns that Paul was using the Greek word agape, a term that connotes selfless, unconditional, sacrificial love, the kind that seeks others’ good before one’s own. “That kind of love is the fulfillment of God’s law, and according to Paul, it can be relied upon in any situation.” (p. 196) Writes Justin: 

“I considered this for a moment. If I truly love someone, and I’m living in love toward that person, I wouldn’t kill them. I don’t need a rule to remind me not to murder the people I love; living out my love for them precludes me from doing it anyway. Similarly, if I’m living out God’s pure agape love toward someone, I wouldn’t steal from them. Stealing is an inherently unloving act. If I’m living in love toward my spouse, I wouldn’t cheat on them. Cheating is selfish and unloving. If I truly love my brothers or sisters, I wouldn’t cover the things they have; I’d be happy for them when good things come their way. That’s what love is. If I were truly filled with God’s perfect agape love, and if I could live that love out in every moment of my life, I wouldn’t need ay other commandments written down, because I’d be automatically doing all the right things. I thought about every example of sin I could come up with. In every single case, Paul was right: Truly living out God’s agape love for others always led to doing the right thing. Sin always resulted from selfish desire in one form or another.” (p. 197)

Justin also points to Galatians 5:13-14, which reinforces the Christian teaching that followers of Jesus are no longer bound by the Law and says, “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“Here Paul exposes two theological extremes,” writes Justin. “First, we are called to be free; we’re not bound by the rules and regulations anymore, so the legalists are wrong. By the same token, we must not use that freedom to indulge our selfish desires—our ‘flesh’—so the hedonists are wrong. The middle way, the way of living out our freedom without sinning, is by serving one another humbly in God’s agape love.” (p. 198)

As an example of this, Justin points to Jesus’ healing on the Sabbath, which fulfilled the Law, not through the strict keeping of it, but through love. Jesus, after all, is the example of what the Law—truly  fulfilled—looks like. His example is our clearest guide.

Justin also believes the Holy Spirit helps Christians discern the purpose of God’s laws, guiding us in our interpretation and application of them. For, as Paul put it, “if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.”

Justin applies this approach to the passages of Scripture that seem to support slavery: “With these standards in mind, it became much easier to interpret Scripture’s difficult passages consistently. Yes, there were slaves in Bible times, but doesn’t selfless agape love demand their freedom? Rules about head coverings and hair length had a purpose in Paul’s culture, but if they have ultimate bearing on our commission to selflessly love God and our neighbors, then, led by the Spirit, we can safely set them aside today.” (p. 205)

Justin’s perspective here lines up beautifully with the themes of many of the New Testament epistles in which the justification for specific instructions (like head coverings and women remaining silent in church, for example) appear to be rooted in practical considerations regarding love for neighbor, considerations that clearly have a cultural context that may not apply today. And so the general rule—“love your neighbor through behavior that will not cause unnecessary strife”—may still apply, while the specifics—“cover your head,” “remain silent”—may not.  (Once again, this is just the sort of ground we cover in A Year of Biblical Womanhood.)

So what did this mean for the question of homosexuality?

“Undeniably, there were many types of homosexual behavior that were driven by selfishness, not by agape love. Behaviors like rape, idolatry, prostitution, and child exploitation were all clear examples of selfish, fleshly motivation, not love for God or others.  They were sinful, and their bad fruit bore that out. But suppose to people loved each other with all their hearts, and they wanted to commit themselves to each other in the sight of God—to love, honor, and cherish; to selflessly serve and encourage one another; to serve God together; to be faithful for the rest of their lives. If they were of opposite sexes, we would call that holy and beautiful and something to celebrate. But if we changed only one thing—the gender of one of those individuals—while still keeping the same love and selflessness and commitment, suddenly many Christians would call it abominable and condemned to hell.” (p. 205)

This approach led Justin to conclude that he could no longer condemn loving, committed, Christ-centered relationships based solely on gender, particularly when he saw good fruit coming from many same-sex relationships.

Justin says that until then, encouraging celibacy had always seemed like the “safest” Christian position. But Pauls’ teachings on circumcision changed that, for according to Paul, if Gentiles let themselves be circumcised out of duty to the law, then “Christ will be of no value to you at all” (Galatians 5:2).

“By that standard,” he concludes, “I realized there was no ‘safe side’ on this issue. If I supported gay relationships and was wrong, I could be sinning by encouraging people to do something wrong, but if I opposed gay relationships and was wrong, I would be sinning by putting myself and others back under the law and making Christ ‘of no value.’” (p. 208)

***

Whew! We’ve covered a lot of ground for one post, so I’ll leave it there. We’ll pick up the conversation in one final installment next week.

In the meantime…your thoughts?

Does Justin make a good biblical case for supporting committed same-sex relationships or does it fall short? Do you think the issue is clear-cut in Scripture or are you frustrated by the ambiguity?

Please keep the conversation civil! 

***

Update: What a fantastic conversation! I really learned a lot from this week's comments, and just about everyone kept it civil and thoughtful. I went ahead and shut down the thread, just because I can't continue to monitor the comments closely over the weekend. But I am grateful for the conversation, and we'll pick it up again next week. Thank you!

Torn, Chapters 7-11: Internalizing the Culture War

As part of our series on sexuality and the Church, today we continue our discussion around Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate by Justin Lee.

This week, we’re talking about Chapters 7-11, in which Justin describes how Christians responded to his sexuality.

Chapter 7 – “That The Man Should Be Alone”

After his experience with ex-gay ministries, (which we discussed last week), Justin had to confront the reality that he would likely never become straight. This left him with three options, as he saw it: the first was to hide his same-sex attraction and marry a woman in spite of his lack of attraction to her, which he felt would be unfair to both himself and the woman in such a relationship; the second was to pursue a relationship with another guy, which he had trouble reconciling with what he’d been taught regarding the Bible’s teachings on homosexuality; and the third option was to remain celibate, which left Justin with the prospect of being alone for the rest of his life.

“I don’t have the words to convey how much this questions weighed on me,” writes Justin. “I knew I couldn’t continue calling myself a Christian unless I was willing to accept whatever God had planned for me, even if it was a lie of loneliness…After agonizing over the decision I knew I had to make, I finally reached the inescapable conclusion: I had to follow God, whatever that might mean. I knelt down in my bedroom and I made a promise to God… Dear God, I prayed, I don’t want to be celibate. I don’t want to be alone. I want to fall in love with someone and spend my life with that person. But even more than that, I want to serve You. And if Your will is for me to celibate my entire life, I will do it. Please show me what You want for my life, and help me to do Your will, whatever it is.” (p. 104)

Justin says this moment marked a turning point in his journey. He felt a wave of peace rush over him. He didn’t have any answers right away, but he knew that “whatever the future might hold, I was committed to endure whatever God called me to. And God was going to be with me.” (p. 105)

Chapter 8 – “South Park Christians”

Justin knew that God would be faithful to him, but the Church, he said, was another story.

Recalling an episode in “South Park” in which Stan discovers his dog Sparky is gay and responds by simply shouting “Don’t be gay!” again and again at the poor dog, Justin says that most of the Christians in his life were “South Park” Christians who responded to his agonizing questions about his future with a flippant, “Don’t be gay!”

“The Christians I knew typically assumed it was all a matter of choice, so admitting the truth about my feelings only subjected me to ostracism, misunderstandings, and the brand of ‘unrepentant sinner,’” he recalls.

When Justin told one of his pastors that he didn’t think the ex-gay ministries could make him straight, the pastor told him that as long as Justin remained celibate, he was welcome to continue worshipping with the congregation, but that if Justin entered a same-sex relationship, he would be asked to leave. Justin had never even considered that he might be kicked out of the congregation, so his pastor’s words stung. The pastor then encouraged him to return to the ex-gay ministries.

One of Justin’s friend contacted Focus on the Family on Justin’s behalf; another bought him porn, hoping it would make him straight; still others questioned Justin’s commitment to his faith, and many approached him with contention, eager to debate the Bible with him.

When Justin became involved with a campus ministry, the reactions among his classmates were largely the same. When Justin shared his struggle, they were kind, but tended to turn every conversation into a debate over Scripture and homosexuality. One girl even asked Justin to “leave his agenda at home,” and respect the group’s views on homosexuality. “My agenda?” Justin thought. “No one had ever accused me of having an ‘agenda’ before. The only ‘agenda’ I knew I had was my day planner…”

Time and again, the message Justin received from the Christians in his life was simply, “Don’t be gay!”

Chapter 9 – “The Poisoned Yeast”

Still, Justin loved his evangelical brothers and sisters, knowing them to be good, generous people who were passionate about the gospel and eager to do the right thing.  The reason these good people responded to him so inappropriately was because of misinformation, he says.

Justin recalls a frustrating conversation with an evangelical leader named Mark who tried to convince Justin that his homosexuality must be the result of faulty parenting, or some sort of childhood trauma, because there was no concrete scientific “proof” that biology contributed to same-sex attraction. When Justin noted that there was no scientific evidence to support the theory that homosexuality was the result of bad parenting, Mark had no idea how to respond. Mark went on to suggest that perhaps Justin was gay because he was raised Southern Baptist and not given opportunities for artistic expression which created a form of defensive detachment! Justin had to stifle a laugh. Mark then continued to posit that Justin must be gay because his alopecia areata (a hereditary condition that makes Justin lose his hair) gave him a “traumatic” childhood. But Justin insisted that, in spite of some teasing here and there, he had a happy childhood.  But the guy wouldn’t give up! He was determined to point to a trauma that had made Justin gay and that could be fixed with therapy.

“It didn’t really matter to me what Mark thought of me,” Justin writes. “I would likely never see him again…It was Mark’s influence that bothered me. No matter what I said, Mark was going to keep going to groups like this one and telling thousands upon thousands of Christians that being gay was caused by faulty parenting, that it only led to misery, and that anyone who wanted to become straight could…And they would pass those beliefs on to their children and other Christians, who would act upon that misinformation whenever they encountered gay people.” (133)

“A little bit of misinformation, like yeast or poison, can work its way through the entire church,” Justin writes. “contaminating an important force for good in the world and turning it into something doing damage. With the church contaminated by misinformation, people feel that they have two choices: either accept the church and the misinformation along with it, or reject the whole thing.” (134)

Justin determines to participate in a third option: fighting the misinformation.

Chapter 10 – “Faith Assassins”

In this chapter, Justin discusses with refreshing charity the ways in which the reputation of Christianity, particularly evangelical Christianity, is damaged by this misinformation and by a preoccupation with waging culture wars against the LGBT community.

“Well-intentioned Christians, believing that being gay is a sinful choice that can be easily changed, speak and act accordingly,” he writes, “recommending ex-gay ministries and fighting against cultural acceptance of homosexuality. To those who know better, this comes across as hurtful and unkind.” (p. 139)

This I something we have discussed at length here on the blog in the past, (see "How to Win a Culture War and Lose a Generation") so I won’t spend much more time on it here. Justin does a fantastic job addressing it in the book, which I recommend reading in its entirety.

At the end of this chapter, he laments over the divide between Christians who advocate “God’s Truth” on one hand and “Love” on the other when “in the Bible, Truth and Love are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other. God’s Truth is all about God’s Love for us and the Love we ought to have for one another. We are being untrue to that Truth if we treat people unlovingly. And we are missing out on the full extent of that Love if we try to divorce it from Ultimate Truth…We Christians must work to repair this schism in the church. If the church is to survive much longer in our culture, it must teach and model the Christianity of Jesus—a faith that combines Truth and Love in the person of Jesus Christ, revealed to us in the Bible and lived out in the everyday lives of his followers.” (p. 147)

Chapter 11 – “The Other Side”

On the other hand, Justin found himself struggling to fit in with other gay people. When some of his gay friends convinced him to visit a gay club, he felt totally out-of-place. Even many of the gay Christians he knew seemed uninterested in engaging what the Bible said about sexuality, which Justin was eager to do. Others, angered by their experience with the Church, left the faith altogether. 

Justin joined a LGBT club on his campus and begins taking more leadership in it. What he discovered as he got to know more gay people was this:  “The one big thing the gays and the Christians had in common was that they both believed in a Gays-vs.-Christians cultural dynamic. They might not all phrase it that way, and some might limit their antipathy to a particular subset of the other group—evangelicals, say, instead of all Christians—but at the end of the day, belief in this dichotomy was so strong on both sides that even those of us who should have known better, the gay Christians, had bought into it.” (p. 156)

This created a false dichotomy that forced many of Justin’s friends into a horrible choice: “Would you be a good person, or ben an honest person? Deny what you believe about God, or deny what you know about yourself? Condemn yourself to a lifetime of faking it, or condemn yourself to an eternity in hell?”

Justin hits the nail on the head with this:

“It wasn’t that there weren’t any gay Christians to begin with. It was that in a Gays-vs.-Christians culture, everyone had to pick a side.” (p. 157)

Feeling torn, Justin fell into a deep depression.

“During the day, I daydreamed about ways to kill myself,” he recalls. “I didn’t really want to die, but I couldn’t see any future in this world where I could possibly be happy. I felt like I was staying alive out of obligation to God,  not because I had anything at all to live for.”

Justin finally goes to see a counselor. In therapy, he realized this: “My depression wasn’t about a chemical imbalance. It wasn’t even really about my loneliness. Without realizing it, I had internalized the culture war, and it was tearing me apart inside. I couldn’t deny my faith, I couldn’t deny the truth about myself, and I couldn’t keep living two separate lives.”

His story picks up in the next Chapter 12, which we will discuss next week, along with Justin’s thoughts on what the Bible says about homosexuality.

Questions for Discussion…

1. What sort of misinformation regarding homosexuality have you encountered in the Church? 

2. For LGBT folks (and friends & family): What sort of experiences have you had with Christians—good, bad, and ugly? Can you relate to Justin’s experience of “internalizing the culture wars”? 

As usual, I’ll keep a close eye on the comment section after this post. I’ll have to close the thread after 24 hours, just because it becomes too much to monitor, especially when I’m travelling. Thanks so much for understanding!

Torn, Chapters 5-6: On Reparative Therapy and Ex-Gay Ministries

Today we continue our discussion around Justin Lee’s fantastic book, Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate as part of our series on sexuality and the Church.

Last week we discussed Chapters 1-4. This week, we’ll cover Chapters 5-6. (I’d originally planned to cover chapters 5-10, but these two chapters are just too critical to breeze through without a thorough discussion.) Next week we’ll cover Chapters 7-11, before wrapping up a week later with Chapters 12-15.  After that, we’ll move on to our next book, Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill.

Chapter 5 – “Why are People Gay?”

In Chapter 5, Justin tackles a huge question: Why are people gay?

The short answer, he says, is “we don’t know.”

The long answer requires unpacking what we mean by “gay” and exploring various theories as to why some people are attracted to the same sex.

Justin believes it’s important to define what we mean when we say “gay,” especially in light of his (not-so-great) experiences with “ex-gay” ministries. “

“If one person believes that ‘gay’ means ‘someone who is attracted to the same sex’ and another person believes that ‘gay’ means ‘someone who has sex with members of the same sex,’ then it shouldn’t surprise us when they come to two very different conclusions!” he explains. (52)

Justin uses the word ‘gay’ the way it is usually used in our culture: to refer to people’s attractions, not necessarily their behaviors. Typically, when we say someone is ‘gay,’ we mean that he or she is attracted to the same sex. (By contrast, someone who is “straight” is attracted to the opposite sex, someone who is “bisexual” is attracted to both sexes, etc., etc.) “These words don’t tell us anything about the person’s behaviors, beliefs, or plans for the future,” writes Justin, “they only tell us to who the person is generally attracted…When I called myself ‘gay,’ I wasn’t referring to any kind of behavior in my life. I had never had any kind of romantic relationship with a guy…” (p. 52)

So why is Justin, and others like him, gay?

Theory 1: People choose to be gay

Growing up, Justin says he firmly believed that people chose to be gay. Obviously, he changed his mind when he found himself attracted to other men. “As a conservative Southern Baptist kid, I would never have chosen to be gay,” he says. “Not in a million years.”

“Most people discover when they’re young that they are involuntarily attracted to people of the other sex,” he says. “A minority of people, however, discover instead that they are involuntarily attracted to the same sex, and an even smaller minority discover they’re involuntarily attracted to both sexes. None of these people choose their attractions; they can only choose how they will respond to them.” (p. 54)

Theory 2: People are seduced or tricked into identifying as gay

You hear this one a lot in evangelical circles—that if someone is gay, he or she must have been abused as a child or seduced by someone of the same sex at an early age. While this certainly happens (and the impact of childhood abuse on an adult’s relationship with his or sexuality is complex), it is not the norm.  “I wasn’t sexually abused,” Justin says, “and studies show that the majority of gay people weren’t either.”

Theory 3: People are gay because of their parents

Sometimes called the “reparative drive” model, this, in my opinion, is one of the most damaging, heartbreaking lies circulating around the Church today.

As Justin explains, the idea was first popularized in the early 1960s by a psychologist named Irving Bieber. [Insert Justin Bieber joke here.] Riffing off of Freud, Bieber proposed that gay men came from families “characterized by disturbed and psychopathic interactions,” with severely detached fathers and possessive, overprotective mothers. According to Bieber, it would be impossible for a boy to turn out gay if he had a warm, loving relationship with his father. (Justin’s story is one of many that reveal this theory to be faulty, as Justin had a close, loving relationship with his father.)

When continued research and scientific evidence failed to support Bieber’s ideas, the psychological community abandoned them. However, in the early 1980s, Elizabeth Moberly, a Christian theologian and psychologist, resurrected Bieber’s ideas and argued in Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic that parental relationships were the cause of homosexuality. She theorized that if a child had a distant same-sex parent, he or she was left with an emotional deficit. The child needed same-sex bonding that was never met by the parent, and so as he or she grew, a subconscious drive would kick in to try to repair that hole. A man was attracted to other men, she said, because his father never met his emotional needs, and a woman was attracted to other women because her mother didn’t meet her emotional needs. Despite having no compelling research or evidence to support her claim, Moberly’s book was a huge hit in Christian circles. It spawned the “reparative therapy” movement, which sought to reverse same-sex attraction through intensive counseling, and has been perpetuated in the work of Joseph Nicolosi who wrote in 1996 “You will hear a shallowness in the voice of any homosexual who claims to love and respect his father…” Yikes.

Justin was suspicious of this theory from the get-go because his story simply didn’t fit. He had a fantastic relationship with both of his parents. His father was always emotionally available; his mother was not overbearing…and there is no “shallowness” in Justin’s voice when he says so, believe me. Besides, Justin reasons, there are plenty of people who grow up in horribly dysfunctional homes who turn out straight!

 “Distant fathers and overprotective mothers are extremely common in American society,” Justin explains, “so this allows a larger percentage of gay people to say, ‘Hey that sounds like me!’ But these same dynamics are very widespread among straight Americans as well, and they are not at all present for many gay Americans. If distant fathers and overbearing others made people gay, there would be far more gay people in American society than there are. Meanwhile, I should have been the straightest guy in the world.”

Justin explains how damaging this narrative can be later in the book.

Theory 4: People are gay because of their biology

This seems to be where the current scientific evidence points, but as Justin explains, the jury is still out. Justin points to evidence that suggests specific structures in gay men and women’s brains may have developed in ways that are more typical for the opposite sex, possibly due to differing hormone levels in the womb. He covers a lot of ground in a short amount of space; rather than repeating it all here, I suggest reading the book, or checking out Simon LeVay’s Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why, from which Justin draws. As Justin concludes, “The biological theories have the most evidence to support them right now, but even they have lots of questions, and at this point, we can’t ‘prove’ anything. We can only make educated guesses.”

I'm relatively new to this whole discussion, but from what I understand, many researches are beginning to see sexuality as existing on a continuum, with, (as one commenter has already put it), "multiple 'possible' causes of homosexuality, which are not mutually exclusive."

[Note: Today I just finished the first chapter of a book called "A Time to Embrace" by William Stacy Johnson and there's an excellent section on the possible causes of homosexuality that is much more in-depth and much more nuanced than what I presented here. Johnson concludes that "there is probably a complex 'biology of sexual orientation,' but there are alos developmental and psychological processes in earl childhood, as well as culturally bound determinants throughout life, that contribute to the way each individual experiences sexual orientation...Therefore, the question of 'essentialism versus constructivism' (basically, nature vs. nurture) presents us with a false dichotomy. There may be some component of sex or sexual orientation that is the same in all places and times, but the historical evidence of diversity makes clear that how sexual orientation works itself out in any given time and place is, at least in part, socially constructed."]

Chapter 6 – “Justin in Exgayland”

As Justin enters college, he decides to try ex-gay ministries—the kind whose Web sites promised “healing” and “deliverance” from homosexuality, complete with testimonies from “ex-gay” men and women that included pictures of them smiling with their families. Justin and his parents spared no expense; they would do whatever it took to “fix” his same-sex attraction.

At his first ex-gay conference, Justin was moved by the worship service, thrilled to be among other Christians wrestling with the same questions with which he wrestled. But his excitement waned as the first keynote speaker focused almost exclusively on political issues, charging the audience to fight the “gay agenda,” painting the world, Justin says, “in simplistic ‘us’ vs. ‘them’ terms: We were the Christians. They were the gays. They must be stopped at all costs.”

Other speakers, many of them self-professed ex-gays, spoke of childhood traumas they believed had caused them to be gay…stories Justin jut didn’t relate to. In a brochure at the conference, Justin was shocked to see this:

Q: Is homosexuality preventable in my child?
A: Absolutely. Show unconditional love for your child and ensure that he or she has positive and healthy doses of love from both parents.

The unfounded theories of Bieber and Moberly were alive and well at this conference, and Justin recalls stories of parents weeping through sessions, convinced they had made their children gay through bad parenting.

In one session, Justin finally spoke up during the Q&A time and told the speaker, who had cited Moberly in a session entitled “The Root Causes of Male Homosexuality”, that the model of an absent father and overbearing mother just didn’t fit his experience. After the session, the speaker tried to convince Justin that with enough therapy, Justin would discover that his parents had indeed been negligent.  But at lunches and between sessions, Justin kept encountering other gay Christians who said their parents had been loving and available. “The people I kept meeting who didn’t fit the pattern were largely ignored or shoehorned in,” reports Justin, “forced to revisit their childhood memories over and over until they found some sort of problem to blame everything on.”(p. 77)

Justin's disillusionment with ex-gay ministries grew even more pronounced when he realized that these ministries were using the word “gay” differently than most people used it.

“When I first heard the testimonies of people who said they ‘used to be gay’ but weren’t anymore, I interpreted that to mean they used to be attracted to the same sex, and now they weren’t…That turned out not to be true.” (p. 79)

As Justin investigated these testimonies further, he learned that most followed a pattern in which the gay man developed attractions to men during puberty, acted on those feelings at some point (usually destructively, with anonymous sex, drugs, and other addictions), found that life to be unfulfilling, reconnected with Jesus, and walked away from their past behaviors. While Justin found these testimonies to be powerful reminders of how God changes lives, he noticed ”there was one thing missing in all of their testimonies.”  “None of them seemed to be becoming straight,” he observed. “They had changed their behaviors, sometimes in dramatic ways. Some had not had any sexual contact in years. Others had gone so far as to date and marry a member of the opposite sex. But almost universally, when I asked, they confessed that they still had the same kind of same-sex attractions I did.” (p. 80)

“In ex-gay circles,” Justin learned. “The word ‘gay’ didn’t mean ‘attracted to the same sex.’…Instead of using ‘gay’ to mean ‘attracted to the same sex,’ they redefined it to refer to sexual behaviors they were no longer engaging in or a loosely defined cultural ‘identity’ they didn’t accept.” (81)

“I could understand that they didn’t want to identify with their former way of life,” writes Justin. ”In their minds, ‘gay’ encompassed a whole sinful and self-destructive lifestyle. But by giving public testimony that they weren’t ‘gay’ anymore, they were leading millions of Christians to believe that they had become straight, when that wasn’t true. And those misleading testimonies were getting a lot of attention on Christian radio, in Christian magazines, and in churches around the world.” (p. 81)

“For all the ex-gay talk of this journey toward becoming straight,” says Justin, “no one ever seemed to actually get there.”

Wow.

Justin then shares the stories of people like his friend Terry, who followed the example of the ex-gay testimonies and tried to marry a woman to see if it would make him straight. It didn’t. Terry’s entire family—his wife, his kids—fell apart when the truth came out. And his friend James, who went through the same process, married a girl for whom he has no sexual attraction, and keeps his homosexual urges and online flirtations a secret.

He shares the stories of more high-profile “ex-gays” like Colin Cook, Michael Bussee, Gary Cooper, and John Paulk—men whose stories helped fuel the ex-gay movement but ended with scandals, lies, and broken families.

At the very least, Justin suggests ex-gay ministries should include a "results not typical" note at the end of promotional material that includes the testimonies of gays and lesbians who have married members of the same gender and started families. 

Of his peers who have gone through the ex-gay movement, Justin writes: “These were some of the most dedicated and devout Christians you could ever meet. They were willing to sacrifice everything to please God. But years of trying to change and being told it would happen didn’t do anything to make them straight. Instead, it only damaged their faith and their feelings of self-worth. When they finally came to the point of telling the truth about what they were feeling, their ex-gay mentors accused them of ‘backsliding,’ and the churches they had so loved seemed to have no place for them. In a Gays-vs.-Christians world, admitting you’re gay makes you the enemy of Christians. After hearing some of these people’s horror stories, I’m amazed that any of them have any faith left at all.” (p. 86)

Reflections

If Justin’s story was the first I’d heard regarding ex-gay ministries, I would withhold judgment, read more, and perhaps present another perspective.

But it’s not.

Justin’s story—though powerfully told—is not at all unique. I’ve heard it again and again and again and again from friends and acquaintances who turned to ex-gay ministries to try and become straight. Sadly, many of these stories involve painful chapters on suicide, self-harm, anger at the Church, lies, affairs, and broken families. 

Now, as I understand it, Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International, is trying to reform what is perhaps the most popular “ex-gay” ministry in the country. But I confess, I'm skeptical. I may get into some trouble for saying this, but I don't care; we simply can’t afford any more suicides or families caught in the middle: I think it’s time for evangelicals to confront reality and move away from the “reparative therapy” approach, which seems to be doing far more harm than good. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Counseling Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American School Counselor Association, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Association of Social Workers, together representing more than 480,000 mental health professionals, have all taken the position that homosexuality is not a mental disorder and thus is not something that needs to or can be “cured.” (See "Just the Facts About Sexual Orientation and Youth" from the American Psychological Association.)  The World Health Organization calls reparative therapy "a serious threat to the health and well-being--even the lives--of affected people." Even Robert Spitzer, whose work is often cited by ex-gay ministries, retracted his own study in 2012, citing problems with its methodology.) 

While it could be said that anything is possible, reversing a person's sexual orientation does not appear to be the norm, and presenting it as a measure of faithfulness seems nothing short of cruel. 

What this means for sexual behavior, marriage, and politics is the topic for future posts. But, for now, we don’t have to know exactly why people are gay to put a stop to harmful  practices that have left Justin, and so many like him, with no other option but despair.

We’ll continue this discussion next week as Justin confronts the inevitability of his same-sex attraction.

Questions for Discussion

1. What theories have you heard about why people are gay? Which seem the most sound?

2. Have you or someone you know gone through reparative therapy or an ex-gay ministry? What was it like? What were the results?

I’ll be monitoring the comment section closely to ensure things stay as civil and respectful as possible, with plans to close the comment thread within the next 24 hours or so, just so I don’t have to keep up with 200+comments. When someone shares his or her story, I strongly urge you to simply listen, not argue. We will be devoting future posts to discussing the biblical and political aspects of this issue, at which time we are free to whip out our Bibles and constitutions and engage in civil debate…but now is not the time. For now, let’s just share and listen.

See also, "Forgive them, Father" - a guest post

'Torn,' Chapters 1-5– What happens when 'God Boy' is Gay

Today we begin a three-week discussion around Justin Lee’s fantastic book, Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate as part of our series on sexuality and the Church. We’ll talk about Chapters 1-5 this week, Chapters 6-10 next week, and Chapters 11-15 the following week.

As I said in my endorsement of the book and in my review, I cannot recommend Torn highly enough. It’s the only book about homosexuality and the Church that I feel comfortable recommending to everyone—from my gay friends to my parents.  The minute I finished, I turned to Dan, tears streaming down my face, and said, “This one is a game-changer.” Dan too finished it in a matter of days.

Full disclosure: I know Justin and consider him a friend. In fact, we recently bumped into one another, quite by surprise, when we were both in Nashville for an interview for a TV station. I convinced him to pose for a picture in front of a stuffed turkey they had on another set because, you know, that’s what friends do when there is a large stuffed turkey in the room. Justin was also our guest for “Ask a Gay Christian…”, one of our most popular interviews ever. I respect and admire this guy a lot.

I know many of you have read Torn as well. So let’s talk about it…

Chapter 1 – Battle of the Century

Justin begins with a frank discussion on what’s at stake in this discussion. He explains how the culture war between gays and Christians leaves people like him, a gay Christian, caught in the crossfire. He cites a 2007 study by the Barna group in which 16- to 29-year-olds were asked to choose words or phrases to describe present-day Christianity. Out of all the responses—good and bad—the most popular choice was “anti-homosexual.” Not only did 91 percent of the non-Christians describe the Church this way, but 80 percent of young churchgoers did as well!

“Today’s young people have gay friends whom they love,” he says. “If they view the church as an unsafe place for them, a place more focused on politics than on people, we just might be raising the most anti-Christian generation America has ever seen, a generation that believes they have to choose between being loving and being Christian.”

Furthermore, this culture war has presented people like Justin, and people like Cindy—a mom who contacted Justin in a panic after learning her son was gay, knowing that her church was the last place she could turn if she wanted her son to feel loved and supported—with a dangerous false dichotomy: It’s gays vs. Christians. We all have to choose whose “side” we are on.

Chapter 2 – God Boy

Justin grew up in the evangelical church, was raised by loving and involved parents, and became known to his public school classmates in high school as “God Boy.” He was a straight-A student, active in youth group, trustworthy and friendly.

“I was a committed Christian, and everybody knew it,” he says. “If I didn’t have a Bible in a my backpack, I at least had a church bulletin and some tracts about salvation. I was ready to witness to anybody, anywhere, at the drop of a hat. More than anything in the world, I wanted to represent my God well, and I prayed every day for the wisdom and opportunity to do so. I was confident in my knowledge of my faith and always eager to explain some minor point of theology to my friends and classmates.” (p. 13)

Justin was also convinced that homosexuality was a sin.

“That didn’t mean that God hated gay people,” he says. “On the contrary, I was sure that God loved them! I was also sure, however, that God didn’t want them to be gay.”

Chapter 3 – The Struggle

But God Boy had a secret.

“It was, I thought, the worst secret in the world,” writes Justin. “It was the deepest, darkest secret I could ever imagine having, one that I could never tell anyone, not even my parents or best friends. It was the secret I would take with me to my grave.”

Justin was attracted to other guys.

While his friends noticed and talked about girls, Justin was sexually drawn to men.  He tried to fit in by dating girls. He prayed his attractions were part of some kind of sexual confusion James Dobson said might happen during puberty. He begged God to take his “affliction” away. He hated himself. 

“Night after night, I cried myself to sleep begging and pleading with God to take away my sexual attractions to other guys,” he writes.

When Justin befriended a guy who identified as bisexual, Justin hoped that maybe he had found a word to describe himself: bisexual, attracted to both men and women. “Finally having a ‘diagnoses,’ I felt hopeful about my sexuality for the first time,” he said.

“There was only one problem with this. The word ‘bisexual’ refers to people who are more or less equally attracted to males and females. The truth was that I wasn’t equally attracted to makes and females. Even though I was dating a girl and wanted desperately to be attracted to her, I had sill never experienced even a moment of attraction for a woman, ever, in my life. All my attractions were for other guys.” (p. 26)

While Justin’s friend had made peace with his sexuality, Justin wept because “unlike him, I had to be rid of these feelings. My faith required it.”

Or so he thought.

Chapter 4 – The Truth Comes Out

Chapter 4 describes Justin’s painful process of telling the truth to his family and friends. During this time, Justin also confronted the fact that he wasn’t bisexual; he was gay.

“As strange as it may seem, in all the years I had struggled with my sexuality, the idea that I could be gay had simply never crossed my mind,” Justin recalls. “Suddenly, it seemed that every guy I knew was talking nonstop about hot girls, with me only pretending to agree. ‘Fag’ and ‘gay’ had become ubiquitous insults overnight; I was sure they hadn’t been before. Every TV show featured punch lines about a straight guy being mistaken for gay, resulting in raucous laughter from the audience. Every sermon at church was either about the goodness of marriage or the sinfulness of homosexuality. Though none of them knew it, they were talking about me. Laughing at me. Condemning me.” (p. 32-33)

Justin’s friends reacted in a variety of ways—from support, to bewilderment, to suggesting he may be able to make peace between his sexuality and his faith and pursue relationships with other men, to handing him porn in hopes it would help make him straight.

Justin found several Web sites for organizations promising “freedom from homosexuality.” Some of these Web sites even included testimonies from people who had lived gay lives in the past but said they had overcome their homosexuality through Jesus, gotten married, and started families. Justin became convinced that this was what he needed: deliverance. “Whatever might have gone wrong to make this happen, I knew God had the power to fix it. To fix me. I just needed willingness and faith.”

Justin’s Sunday school teacher connected him with Rick, and assistant pastor at Justin’s church who introduced him to a group called Homosexuals Anonymous.

At Justin’s first meeting, he listened as a small group of middle-aged men shared their theories as to why they had gay feelings, “mostly connected to faulty upbringings and other childhood traumas I couldn’t relate to,” says Justin. Then they shared their latest progress in “trying to become straight.”

One man with a wedding ring on his finger shared the exciting news that, while on vacation at the beach with his family, he noticed a woman in a small bikini. The group erupted into cheers and congratulations, but Justin felt horrified. “Was this my destiny?” he wondered. “Was I going to end up someday in a room like this one, middle-aged, married to a woman I wasn’t attracted to, trying to act the part as well as possible for my wife and kids, and getting excited because after years of therapy, one day I noticed one woman walking by me in a bikini on a beach, for a few seconds?”

The moment marked a low point in Justin’s journey. 

Justin went back to his pastor who helped arrange a meeting with Justin’s parents; it was time to tell them. Anyone who is gay or loves someone who is gay really must read for themselves the story of Justin’s coming out to his parents. I am so grateful for Justin’s willingness to share this part of his journey with such honesty and vulnerability. This was no easy thing for Justin to do; it took a lot of guts.

Justin’s parents reacted with unconditional love…but also with surprise and feelings of guilt.

Justin acknowledges that not everyone is as fortunate as he was to have parents who reacted first with love. “Some parents have kicked their kids out, disowned them, and written them out of their wills. Some have even told their kids they wished they were dead. Imagine hearing that from your own mother and father!”

For Parents...

With this in mind, Justin lists five things Christian parents often say upon learning that their child is gay, and why they don’t help:  

1. “Don’t tell anyone” – Even Justin’s parents urged him to keep his attraction to other men a secret. But Justin explains that this is unhealthy, and places terrible burdens of shame and guilt on a child. “Gay kids are already at increased risk for depression and suicide, and adding to their feelings of isolation by asking them not to talk about what they going through only makes matters worse.” Furthermore, in a day and age when talking about sexuality among one’s peers is the norm, asking a child to cover up his sexual orientation may mean asking him to outright lie to his friends and family.

2. “You’re not like those people” – For many parents, the only thing they know about homosexuality is what they know from gay pride parades or stories of lewd, immoral behavior. So when Justin’s dad learned his son was gay, he responded in shock, saying “but you’re not like those people!” Justin reminds readers that just as straight people can have very different lifestyles (Kim Kardashian, for example, has a different lifestyle than, say, Hillary Clinton or Lynne Hybels), so can gay people. There is no single “gay lifestyle.” Explains Justin, “When parents tell their kids that they must not be gay because they’re not like the negative images in their parents’ heads, it doesn’t change their kids’ understanding of themselves as gay. Instead, it convinces the kids that their parents now associate those negative images with them, and the only way they can avoid that association is to pretend not to feel what they feel.” (p. 48)

3. “How could you hurt us like this?” When a child works up the courage and trust to tell his parents he is gay, it is important for parents not to respond defensively. “Resist the temptation to make it about you,” advises Justin. “Focus on being there for your child.”

4. “What did we do wrong?” Sadly, many Christian parents have been told wrongly that homosexuality is caused by poor parent-child relationships. This is a pervasive myth and destructive myth within the evangelical Christian subculture that we will address more directly in next week’s discussion. But as Justin puts it: “I had a strong, warm relationship with both of my parents, felt fully and completely loved, was given healthy amounts of discipline and independence, and everything else I’ve heard recommended for parents. If I turned out gay, any kid can turn out gay.”

5. “This is the devil’s way of trying to stop you from doing what God wants.” Justin encourages Christian parents not to jump to any conclusions about how God will use a situation like this in their child’s life. “Denying it won’t make it go away, but if we respond as Christians, with open hearts to what God will do, we can be surprised what happens.”

Next week we will continue our discussion as Justin shares his experiences with an “ex-gay” ministry

Some Reflections:

I think Justin’s story speaks for itself, but a few things resonate.

The first is how similar our backgrounds are. I too was raised by loving, wise, and involved parents. I too was active in church. I too grew up assuming that homosexuality was a sin. In fact, I was even known as “Bible Girl” at my public high school!

But I’m straight, attracted to men. And so I avoided the sort of internal turmoil that Justin faced when it came to his sexuality. (Well, even us “good Christian girls” had our own kind of internal turmoil when it came to sexuality, but that’s a topic for another day!) 

My point is that Justin’s story is a reminder to me that LGBT folks are not “out there” but “in here.” They are our friends, our neighbors, our siblings, our family members, our fellow church members. Justin’s attraction to men did not emerge out of some strange, deviant culture, far removed from my own; it emerged out of a culture and background exactly like mine! As he said himself, if Justin can be gay, anyone can be gay. I’m convinced that he didn’t choose to be attracted to the same gender any more than I chose to be attracted to a different gender. Next week, we will discuss this a bit more in depth as Justin asks the question “Why are people gay?”

My second observation is simply that, in light of the fact that the “gay community” is not separate from the “Christian community” and that there are many like Justin who identify as both Christian and gay, we have to move past the culture war mentality that pits these two groups against one another. It leaves people like Justin and his parents in impossible situations, situations that have resulted in heartbreak, destroyed families, and far too many suicides.

This is why we are embarking on this series, and it’s why I am so grateful for Justin’s willingness to share his story with honesty and grace.

***

Some questions for discussion:

1.)  Are there people in your life who are gay? How did you respond when you found out? What is life like for them?

2) What parts of Justin’s story do you relate to? What parts have stuck out to you – as sad, hopeful, encouraging, or strange?

3) For LGBT folks: What else would you like us to know about how NOT to respond when you tell us you are gay?

I’ll be monitoring the comment section closely to ensure that it remains as safe a place as possible to discuss this sensitive topic.

***

Update: I'm so pleased with how the conversation has gone in the comment section! Thank you for sharing your stories and responding to one another with grace. I'm going to close the thread simply because there are too many comments to monitor carefully, especially as I'm travelling over the next couple of days. Thanks for understanding!