Relevant Magazine with “Rob Bell’s Lasik Surgery to Cost Christian Hipsters Millions”
“News that Rob Bell has decided to forgo his trademark thick-rimmed glasses in favor of Lasik eye surgery has many Christian hipsters reeling, with experts suggesting that the post-geeky-hip trend could collectively cost the culture millions.
‘Lasik costs, like, $2500,’ complained 21-year-old Chase Wright, a worship leader at Elevate Church in Kalamazoo Michigan, who prefers to be identified as a God-encounter-facilitator. ‘I think I’m going to opt for contacts instead, at least until I can raise some funds on Kickstarter.’"
Mark Driscoll with “The Threat of Pastel Easter Ties”
“It has come to my attention that the effeminization our sissified culture has resulted in a disturbing trend: ‘men’ wearing pastel ties on Easter Sunday. From pink to lavender to robin-egg blue, these ties come in an array of Satanic colors, and it is the duty of God’s men to keep them out of our churches, lest these ties turn us all gay. This is why any man who walks through the doors of Mars Hill wearing a pastel tie on Easter morning will be subject to church discipline.”
Ann Voskamp with “This Sucks: A Rant Against Nature”
“Today was a really crappy day. The crickets chirped all night so I woke up exhausted. Then I burned the French Toast at breakfast. My dog left a bunch of muddy tracks all over the house, which really ticked me off. And of course it rained on our picnic. Nothing redemptive about today at all. Nature sucks.”
Christianity Today with “Blogger’s Rant Mistaken by Area Armenians as Racist Threat”
“A Christian blogger’s rant against the soteriology of Jacobus Arminius entitled ‘Let’s Rid the World of Armenians’ has been mistaken by area Armenians as a racist threat. But the twenty-two year-old blogger and father of three insists that the misunderstanding is a result of a simple typo.
‘I was complaining about the popularity of Arminian theology,’ said the blogger, who asked to remain anonymous, ‘and my stupid auto-correct in Microsoft Word changed Arminian to Armenian. I should have double-checked before publishing the post, but unfortunately my concern over the dangers of Open Theology overshadowed my concern for spelling and grammar, and now I’m paying the price. I want to make it clear that I hate Arminians not Armenians.”
Sarah Bessey with “In Which I Try to Write Something That Will Not End Up in Rachel’s Sunday Superlatives”
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Hemant Mehta at Friendly Atheist with “Thank You! Your hateful comment finally convinced me to be a Christian”
“Were it not for Repent-And-Be-Saved’s impassioned comment calling me a useless drain on society and damning me to hell for eternity, I might never have found Jesus. Thank you for your persistence!”
John Piper with “Jersey Shore: A Disaster I Cannot Explain”
“The Asian tsunami of 2004, the Haitian earthquake, the tornado that struck Central Lutheran Church in Minneapolis during ELCA meetings on homosexuality—these were clearly acts of judgment from God upon sinful people. But the scourge of Jersey Shore being renewed for yet another season is something that simply cannot be explained. The truth is, I don’t know why God would allow this to happen. It is beyond my understanding.”
Publisher’s Weekly with “Christian Bookstores to No Longer Carry Bible”
“In a surprising announcement, Christian bookstores across the country have banned the Bible from their shelves, citing questionable content, including violence, sexuality, profanity, and possible liberalism. Retailers say that this is not the sort of content their customers have come to expect from a Christian establishment, so the Bibles will be phased out over the next few months. In the meantime, all remaining Bibles on shelves will be given ‘Read With Discernment’ stickers to warn potential buyers of questionable material.”
Entertainment Weekly with “Donald Miller and Tim Burton to turn ‘Searching For God Knows What’ into zombie horror flick”
“Capitalizing on the recent zombie apocalypse craze and the popularity of the ‘Blue Like Jazz’ movie, Donald Miller and Tim Burton will team up to turn Miller’s spiritual memoir ‘Searching For God Knows What’ into a zombie horror flick, this time with a ‘clear gospel message’ to satisfy Christian magazine reviewers. Look for Johnny Depp to star as Don, and Helena Bonham Carter to star as Penny. Many in Hollywood say they see the spiritual-memoir-turned-movie as the next hot genre, suggesting there are ongoing talks about turning Lauren Winner’s ‘Girl Meets God’ into a romantic comedy, Ian Cron’s ‘Jesus, My Father, the CIA, and Me’ into an action flick, Anne Lamott’s ‘Traveling Mercies’ into an indie road trip film, Kathleen Norris’ ‘The Cloister Walk’ into something really creepy involving monks.”
Ree Drummond, Pioneer Woman, with “It’s true. I have a clone.”
“Because no one woman is capable of running a ranch, homeschooling her children, hosting a cooking show, writing four books, mastering photography, and keeping a blog, I confess I have a clone. I made her from scratch in my kitchen about a year ago. Here’s the recipe...”
Rachel Held Evans with “Let’s talk about my vagina some more...”
“In an effort to further strain every relationship I have in the Christian publishing industry, I’m thinking of re-titling my book ‘A Year of Biblical Vaginas,’ just to see what happens.”
So, what caught your eye online this week? What’s happening on your blog?